Sunday, January 06, 2008

Stevie wonder

Steve Bucknor; I have tried holding my tongue about this Jamaican for a long time but after the last day at the SCG, this face-cream loving moron is just asking for it.

Steve Bucknor really is one of the most incompetent professionals in any walk of life. You know come to think of it, ICC has to be the best employer on the planet, no appraisals, no problems sleeping off during work, just show up half drunk at the office and yeah, the check's ready.
Let me point out four basic qualities that I think an umpire must possess and judge the tall one(well tall is about the only positive adjective I can use for him and even calling him human seems a bit of a slur on the 4 billion strong ape descendants on this planet) on that:

Eyesight: Ok here theres no doubt, the man's blind. He has to be, Dravid's bat and glove were actually NOT VISIBLE when the aussies appealed. It just wasn't in the umpires line of sight while the ball was harmlessly flirting outside off stump. The Aussies grinning profusely as their beloved Stevie Wonder was umpiring appealed, and the blind man promptly lifted his finger.

Hearing Range:While the blindness can be debated in terms of severity of its condition, one things a certainity, the man's completely deaf. Andrew Symonds' nick was about as loud as a nick can get. I know Bucknor will say not loud enough, and I kind of sympathize coz Steve's expectations of a nick (off an Indian bowler) in his hearing range is something like a blistering Iron Maiden guitar solo on Bose speakers at full volume with powerful vibrations on the ground just so that he can be sure.

Understanding Rules of the game: Again the big SB draws a superb blank. I have concluded that he interprets the game's rules by his own standards and ideas. I think this is best illustrated when Ganguly was "caught" controversially by the slip fielder. Now Benson could have asked Hellen Keller at square leg and that would have been the normal procedure. However the generally incompetent Benson still had enough sense in him not to do that. He knows Bucknor hasn't understood the principle of a catch. For Steve, its mood dependent. You can never say. Sometime the ball may be rolling on the ground, the fielder picks it up and hey presto the batsman is out caught!nothing its just 957 bounced catch just like Steve gives 1 bounce, 2 bounce catches without batting an eyelid. Any questioning them and u are questioning the "human" element of the game. "Cmon" says Steve "isnt it more fun when rules are interpreted differently, doesnt it add to the unpredictability and fun to the game???"

Impartiality: Now this is the mysterious one. What exactly does he have against India? I am convinced that a quick raid into his house by the Jamaican police will not only unearth clues for Woolmer's death( to be fair anybody investigated by the Jamaican police run that risk) but also some vicious Anti India propoganda, Some Burning Indian flags, an ISI id card and a voodoo doll in tricolor stacked with pins. Yes the loony hates India and for what reasons we can only speculate. Maybe a guy of Indian origin made out with his college girlfriend while he was tying his shoelaces one day or a gang of Indian kids made fun of his blindness, deafness and overall stupidity in the playing pen in kindergarden. One can never tell, but one thing's for sure, the idiot in the white coat aint fond of India and he expresses himself on the pitch ruining the game for millions.

Way to go ICC, now tell me how in god's name can I apply for my dream job - Test Umpire in the "Elite" panel. Heres my resume- Oh yeah theres none. Thank god! now if you could just tell me when to start?